The Truth.

so why are we acting like i'm the one to blame for the distance when we all know pretty well that you barely ever answer me when it actually matters. i recall a time where im pretty sure i was being avoided or something of the sort but i dont even care.

listen i miss you, i really do. i miss the way things used to be, i miss our long drives to mostly nowhere, our mix cd's, our boyfriends hanging out until we could get out of whatever we were doing.. yeah. and im sorry we barely see each other now but things are absolutely crazy with applying to school, trying to keep my job and keep my mom from hating me and tearing my head off for the dumbest things. i feel like the only person i see anymore is mike, and i only see him once a week, twice if im lucky. and i have horrible luck. you and kenny see each other alot, and im not going to blame me never seeing you or you not answering me when i try to call or text you to hang out on you being with him cause i don't even know when you see him and he makes you soo happy so i wouldn't care anyway. i think it's about time i be really honest.

Honestly, there was a time, or a few times, where you kind of made me feel dumb, unimportant, annoying, like a whore.. but i didn't even want to bring it up i just deal with it because i'm used to it. all of my friends at one point have began treating me like i just don't matter. it's to a point where i'm convinced.. I DON'T MATTER. i never feel like im good enough for anything anyway, but when it to comes to friends i just get screwed. i've spent more time crying in the past month than i have in an entire year. and there was a point in time where you were just kinda mean to me. not normal AT ALL. i hated it and it made me feel shitty but i don't know, i just dealt with it, i figured maybe you were just upset and taking it out on me. but im not the only one who saw it. there was even that time when ryan thought i cheated on him.. eventually i was told that it was you who told mel that i guess and she told ry. i cried a hell of a lot after i heard that because i didnt know what to believe, and i didnt want to confront you about it because i was afraid to ruin our friendship. but considering how much you hated him, and how much i never understood why you hated him so much, and how you tried to tell me he was probably trying to get with other girls while we were going out and that he was trying to get with mel while we were going out.. i didn't know who to believe.

i'm not saying it's a big deal or that i love you any less, because i don't. i still love you a whole lot and i'd rather spend more time with the four of us than anyone, like we used to. i don't know exactly how you'll take this but you need to understand that this is hard for me.
when it comes to close friends, i have a really hard time letting out my feelings that might hurt them, because i'd rather just bury the pain than hurt a friend, or even worse, lose them.

i love you, please try to understand this and not hate me.